Thursday, September 13, 2007

I Don't Do Closets

Closet: A place to keep clothes, coats, linens or other household items.

Example: I would like to hang my coat in the closet but it's allergic to hangers :(

Closet: The place we keep our skeletons (family secrets).

Example: We know Great Uncle Melvin wore sweet frilly dresses, but are there any other skeletons in the closet?

Closet: The only thing required in a room to make it qualify as a bedroom, in a real estate listing.

Example: You could get more money for your house if you listed it as a three bedroom. All you have to do is put a closet in your pantry.

Closet: The imaginary hiding place of homosexuals who think people don't already know, or possibly even suspect the truth, until they are ready to be open and confirm every one's suspicions after all.

Example: I'm afraid if I come out of the closet, my Dad will demand a paternity test.

I don't do closets is what I wish I'd said when I took the job I am currently doing. I was hired to paint the inside of 5 closets in a recently purchased home. The walls of the home are plaster, and are in pretty rough shape. The homeowner, my client, hired someone to drywall the closets prior to my painting them, all in preparation for a closet system company to come in and install closet systems in all 5. Seems simple enough. Except for one thing. The closet systems company came out and measured the closets based on the size of the floor, so the homeowner told the sheet rocker not to take off the baseboards, just drywall down to them. Then she proceeded to hire the worst drywall guy EVER! He left huge gaps between the drywall and the baseboards, in the corners, at the top. His joints bow way out giving the wall a pregnant quality. His tape was all bunched up, bubbled up, or not attached at all. Sandpaper never touched any of it. The mud was hanging on the walls like large gloppy clumps of schmutz he had applied with a horse hoof.

Have you ever stood inside a closet on a step stool sanding large amounts of joint compound and breathing in the dust for hours on end? When the dust gets into your nostrils, the moisture creates a wonderfully sticky joint compound in your nose. I imagine this is happening in my lungs as well, and can feel it in my throat. Yes, yes, I should wear a mask you say. I find when I wear one, I still breathe in tons of dust, but also sweat myself into dehydration. I tried sanding the closet while my head was on the outside, but that proved cumbersome, I couldn't see what I was doing, and my arms were about 5 feet too short. On the first day, I used 30 lbs of joint compound trying to fill the gaps and smooth out the mess. This all took a very long time and when I was finally leaving, my client's mother, who's been letting me into the house asked what time I'd be back for the next day of work. I answered, "9:00." "Can you be here at 8:00?" she asked. "Sure, if I spend the night here." I quipped. Not a morning person. "Yes, I can be here at 8:00, see you then."

Is this entertaining at all? I can continue, and tell you about today tomorrow, if you like.

12 comments:

kj said...

entertaining? are you kidding?!

this is pathetic. poor you. plus it sounds like the homeowner doesn't get what you had to walk into.

i'm channeling a fast completion for you. more details, please...

ps very witty post. it's going to be fun to read your comings and goings....

:)
:)

RED MOJO said...

KJ, Thank you for your encouragment. I will of course give you all you want and more.
Please don't pity me though, I love my work and want to share it in a real, yet funny way. :)

Anonymous said...

I found your post real and funny and will NEVER attempt doing closets! I sometimes work with sanding metals and acids wearing a praying mantis mask from the chemist, then a gas mask (a real one from WWII), then end with no mask ... sometimes I can make a sculpture just blowing my nose! Try it Red Mojo, it's ever so artistic with a sculpture at the end of a hard day's work :)

Ces said...

I wish I can do closets. I wish I can do what you can do. I just even wish I can clean or dust. Sounds like a hard job but you seem up to it. I wish contractors are like you, dedicated, knowlegeable, efficient and dilligent. I love your introduction. Good luck with the job. Don't foget to take a clean deep breath.

RED MOJO said...

Anon, Hahahaha A nose sculpture huh? I'll bet that would be rewarding, and a great creative outlet. Thank you for your suggestion.


Ces, ohmigod! You already do so much stuff, so well. There are only so many hours in the day. Besides I'm sure the world is much better place with your art in it rather than a few more smooth closets. But thank you for the flattery, I like that! :)

Wieneke said...

This is a very entertaining post and I like it :-) I don't do closets anymore, I don't want to put wallpaper on walls, although husband and myself were very good in it. Without yelling at each other we did a few of our houses that way, but nowadays we like to do gardening and walking with our dogs instead. We have a very nice gentleman who does paintwork and so on, but I should like to have you doing this work for us. Much more fun! :-))

RED MOJO said...

Wieneke, I would love to do some work for you! Maybe a plane ticket for a room makeover ;) I'm glad you enjoyed my post!

Ces said...

I want a big closet, so big I can sleep and dance in it.

ValGalArt said...

Welcome RM! enjoyed reading your posts and here's to new beginnings!

RED MOJO said...

Valgalart, Thanks for stopping by to welcome. Come again!

CS said...

Well, not quite, but recently I have stood on a ladder inside a closet leaning arounfd the shelves trying to paint the ceiling and the walls without getting myself stuck to the paint, so I'm sympathetic.

RED MOJO said...

CS, Somehow I figured you would be :)