Top 10 Burning Christmas Questions
Having a little trouble with the Holiday Season? Is it all coming at you too fast, and you feel you have unanswered questions that are inhibiting your ability to fully enjoy this wondrous time of year? Well, fret no longer. I have conducted a clinical-scientific-double-blond-study, and come up with Not Only the top 10 burning questions, but; due to tireless research, I have unraveled the mysteries, uncovered the answers, and will now unveil them all, just for you.
1. Q. Can reindeer really fly?
A. I had help on this from "2 Hot Girls in the Shower", watch the video.
2. Q. When is the best time to start Christmas Shopping?
A. The best time is the day after Christmas when all the sales are going on, stock up for next year. This can be a drag though for several reasons:
a) The stores are choked with the throngs of people who just don't know how to appreciate toe socks and chia-pets, trying to return their thoughtful gifts for something they don't really need anyway.
b) You can't really be sure you'll still be on speaking terms with some people by Christmastime next year, you don't want to waste all that time and money shopping for them.
c) You've already maxed out all of your credit cards on this Christmas. You need to spend the time looking for a second job, not doing more shopping.
3. Q. Will Santa still come if I'm not sleeping?
A. Yes, as long as you pretend to be asleep. Practice deep regular breathing and REM eye movement for several weeks prior to Christmas to make sure you've got it down. Have someone watch you, or video tape yourself to make sure it's convincing, this is important!
4. Q. What gifts are offensive to people I know well?
A. Gifts that say, I didn't actually think of you specifically, such as:
a) Scented candles, or any candles really
b) Soaps and lotions
c) Tube socks
e) Fruit cake, preserves, or any food, unless it is a personal favorite, or home made.
f) A Gevalia Coffee Maker
g) A football shaped phone, that they know came free when you got your subscription to Sports Illustrated.
h) Anything that person gave you last year.
5. Q. If I'm not seeing anyone at Christmastime, how can I avoid feeling desperately lonely and suicidal?
A. Keep a sprig of mistle-toe on you at all times. Pull it out and dangle it over your head with a smile, every time you see someone you might like to kiss. If you've just had a spinach salad, skip the smile. Use it in elevators, on the subway, in line at the bank, and in the waiting room at the OBGYN!
6. Q. Are all those new inflatable lawn decorations like snow globes, and Grinch's, and Santa riding a chopper a good idea?
7. Q. I don't know what to get for (insert difficult to buy for person's name here).
A. Think of what annoys you most about that person, and you'll have it.
a) He's always smoking those stinky cigars. *Cigars
b) He's lazy. *a recliner (too much money?) a pair of pants with an elastic waist.
c) She's too controlling. *a universal remote
d) She drinks too much. *wine of the month club membership
e) He's unfaithful. *a one-way ticket to Bismarck
f) Picks his nose. *hankies
You get the idea. Remember it's not about making you happy, (except the Bismarck one) it's all about them.
8. Q. What should I wear on Christmas Day?
A. This one is tough for a lot of people. Try to avoid anything that has glitter or sequins applied, or bells sewn right on. Articles of clothing with red flashing LEDs, also a bad idea if you are over 6. I know it's tempting, but please, stop the insanity.
9. Q. What if I don't like a gift I get?
A. a) Pretend you do, in fact you can inform the person that you wanted one of those so much, you already bought one for yourself. Then hope aloud that they still have the receipt.
b) Pretend you do, take it home and stuff in the closet with all the other stinkers just waiting for a white elephant party. Attach a post-it to it, with the name of the person who gave it to you, to avoid number 4.
c) Pretend you do, and drop it in the first Goodwill drop box you see on your way home.
10. Q. Does Santa really know if I've been bad or good?<p> A. Yes, he does but he's very forgiving and generous, so chances are, you'll get what you deserve, especially if you wake up in Bismarck!