Friday, January 11, 2008

It's In The Mail

My postal carrier is a woman, she drives semi-recklessly, comes very late in the day, never smiles or waves, smells of Wild Turkey, and fills my mail box with interesting oppurtunities everyday. You call it junk, I call it blog material. Today I have something from the "Make a Wish Foundation", they probably want a donation, I don't have any money to give right now, but I'll open it anyway. I'd hate to just throw it away, you never know, they might be granting one of my wishes.

Then there's this free insurance offer, or at least the first $1,000.00 of coverage is free, after that I pay for .90 for each additional thousand up to $300,000. That sounds reasonable. It's death or dismemberment insurance. I'm a woodworker, maybe it'd be a good idea, just in case. I read over the coverage plan, and in order to get a 100% payout I'd need to lose 2 arms and a leg, or both feet and an eye, or a foot, and a hand both on the same side, and my sense of smell. I could get a 50% payout for both eyes and a bad haircut, or my hearing, my two front teeth and frontal lobe. 25% if I lose one foot, my thumb and forefinger on the same hand, and my ass in a poker game. If i decide to buy it, I figure I've lost my money, and my ability to reason.

Then, there are a ton of catalogs, I believe they are spawned by my love of Internet shopping. You know the ones, Yarn by the Yard, Yoke and Yak, Stone Carvers Unlimited, Spit-shine, Boot and Bugle, Just Egg-timers, Kettle and Doormat, Twigs and Berries, Larry and Navin, Organic Only, Unisex Unitards, The Plastic Place, and then I get some I don't need!

So next time you go to your mailbox and pull out a giant load of "junk", just remember someone works hard to deliver that alleged "junk" to you everyday, and once you've determined it's all completely devoid of value, do what I do, use it for the seemingly never-ending quest to keep yourself warm. If you live in a warm climate, move.

31 comments:

Anonymous said...

What sort of rubbish is this? Haahaa!! The junk Lady misses my house because we don't like each other. You would think she would make an extra effort delivering it to my letterbox in that case!

Wieneke said...

Yes, RM, it is very nice blogmaterial and you wrote a funny and good story, but I am glad that we have a YES/NO sticker on our mailbox. YES for allowing free papers and NO for non-adressed material. I think it is a terrible waste of paper, made of wood. If you want to know how it goes....look at the animation here:
http://www.milieudefensie.nl/globalisering/doemee/ja-nee.htm

Nicole P. said...

Oh my, I get at least 75 different catalogs and they all came at one time right before Christmas...I guess they all had the same idea. I love the catalogs though and I already have my kids trained to be spoiled bitches like myself....circle what you want and give it to daddy...

Ces said...

I use to get a lot of catalogs when I was the one picking up the mail but my husband does it now and I have never seen a catalog for over two years. Junk mail is just like the pop-ups. At least there is a pop-up blocker but no junk mail sticker like Wieneke's. We need that.

Ces said...

I hate those dismemberment insurance. They won't pay anything if I lose my mind, it has to be my actual brain.

Debra Kay said...

When I cleaned out my Uncle's apartment I was furious at all the begging kind of junk mail. He was on everyone's list-even prisoner's were writing to him asking for money for their appeals. And, being a dutiful ex petty officer, he read and catalogued it all.

RED MOJO said...

Anon, that's just silly, how can someone not like you??

wieneke, a yes/no sticker would be helpful everywhere. This post was purely for the sake of humor, but you make a good point!

nicole p, congratulations on raising your girls properly :)

ces, your husband must eat the catalogs between the box and the house so you won't see them.

debra kay, sorry to bring up such a touchy subject.

CS said...

Catalogues can be especially fin. Several years ago, I somehow got on International Male's mailing list, which has hysterical clothing items. I also like those more-crap-than-you-could-possibly-believe catalogues.

Wild Turkey! What time is she delivering your mail?

kj said...

i have charlie the mailman, who greets me with "you got a letter today!", which he knows i covet. i don't know what he smells like but he happily smiles.

jb and i get dozens of catalogs--far too many. ll bean sends 6 different catalogs alone. but i like williams-sonoma, garnett hill, and a few others. you know you can elect yourself off their mailing lists, right?

RED MOJO said...

cs, Yes, they can be fun, and funny, but diappointingly, I can't. I think I'm the one that's going to smell of Wild Turkey soon.

kj, I made them all up! Twigs and Berries?, c'mon people... It's supposed to be funny!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Funny! I especially like the insurance policy that covers bad haircuts as long as you lose your frontal lobe, your virginity and all your limbs on one side in the same accident with a chain saw.

RED MOJO said...

heartinsanfrancisco, Thank you for noticing/thnking that it's funny! You have temporarily interrupted my search for something sharp to throw myself on.

Ces said...

I love Baretta's Catalog. It has English hunting gear for women. Only Warren Buffet's children can afford them. I miss my catalogs. I should pick up the mail.

Debra Kay said...

Uh, mail isn't really a touchy subject is it? No worries red, it's OK to talk about mail in front of me. I won't break...LOL and a big hug too.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Well, Mojo, I sincerely hope you won't but if you must, surely one of your catalogs could provide such a product.

You merely need decide if you want said sharp object in the pastel range or in primary colors, sequins or no, and of course, whether your insurance will pay for the damage if it's self-inflicted.

Take two sharp objects and call me in the morning.

RED MOJO said...

Ces, Only children should be able to afford, or to purchase hunting gear. It's far too dangerous in the hands of adults.

debra kay, mail mail mail mail. Just helping to desensitize you.

heartinsanfrancisco, thanks for your helpful advice on how to complete my mission. I believe for the insurance to cover it, it has to look like an accident, I must be impaled through the spline and the neck, and have bitten off my tongue. So maybe I'll skip it for now.

Maitre d'izzle said...

Hey witty one! Unitards... Kinda makes me think of Dickies. No one really wears unitards and dickies anymore. Ok, so people in Reno and Vegas do.. Different ilk. And yes, stop telling the blog before I read it, and I'll commit to writing! Very funny..

RED MOJO said...

maitre d'izzle, what a witty name! Thank you so much. I am done talking to you about the blog. I like your comments in writing!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

I can see where it might be a problem to remember to bite off your tongue while you're being impaled by the neck and spleen (?) Few among us are so well coordinated.

Would your insurance pay if you were impaled by the tonsils and appendix, assuming you still have them, and threw in both pinky toes?

RED MOJO said...

heart, You are having way too much fun with this dismemberment game.

Dorky Dad said...

My wife used to reply to credit card offers by sticking extra pictures of our cats in the return envelopes, with notes on the back saying "Mamie says 'no more offers.'"

Worked, too. Never get them.

Boo7 said...

LOL!! The banter in your comments sections is as funny as the post itself is....keep on trucking RM....love your blog!

Diesel said...

What can I get for the little finger on my right hand?

RED MOJO said...

dorky dad, also letting your credit rating fall into the crapper works.

boo7, thank you, thank you.

diesel, from the insurance company, nothing. I, on the other hand, would love to be able to say, "Diesel gave me the finger. I still have it, here, in a jar, see?"

Ces said...

Actually Dickie's pants which I call janitor's pants is the "in-thing" with teen-agers these days.

TheWeyrd1 said...

Hey there...

Decided to start my own blog. Not that I'll be a dedicated poster like yourself, but thought you might like to know. Course, being a neophyte, I may be asking you for advice on the technical aspects of blogging.

Regarding your junk mail...I mean opportunity mail...the accidental death and dismemberment coverage IS in fact the rip off you discovered it to be. Of course, those companies are hoping you'll read their advert just long enough to want to buy, but not long enough or deeply enough that you discover that you wasted your valuable time reading it at all.

Have a lovely day!

Debra Kay said...

Dickies pants or those things that looked like sweaters under a shirt but really weren't?

RED MOJO said...

ces, the dickies in the comment from maitre d'izzle are the kind that are just a turtle neck neck with no actual shirt attached that goes under a sweater. They were called a dicky. It's not the brand name.

theweyrd1, congrats on your new blog!

debra kay, yes, the fake turtle neck thingy was what she was referring to.

charlotta-love said...

if you live in a warm climate move...HA! my favorite line. Speaking of mail: yesterday I got my oil changed. I went home and there was a coupon for $5 off. DANG! But, I wrote a letter last week (I still use snail mail occasionally) and realized I was down to my last 12, free, ziggy inspired return address labels. Well, guess what else came in the mail yesterday: 4 new sheets of ziggy. I really don't like Ziggy at all but I really, REALLY don't like writing my name and address on the envelope. SCORE!

tsduff said...

Now I KNOW I commented somewhere along the line... I can't explain why it isn't there any more. Hmmm. I used to just LOVE catalogs, back when I was going through my got-to-have-it phase... that was many moons ago. Now I just listlessly give them a glance, before tossing them in the paper recycle sack. Since I don't have a budget for just buying things in catalogs (no matter what it is, I can't afford it) there is no point in becoming interested in them and then boo hooing because I can't get it.

My eldest daughter (31) who stills lives at home :O gets about 10 different Victoria Secret catalogs all at the same time. Those people sure spend tons on marketing...

RED MOJO said...

charlotta-love, timing IS everything! I see yours is like mine. I get those ziggy's too!

tsduff, I think you left the comment for this post on the last post, which is why it's not here. But I'm pretty sure it's still there.